We think about it, dream about it, lose sleep worrying about it, and when we don’t have it, we search for it and when we find it, we don’t know what to do with it. Love! Love can engulf you, imprison you, torment you.
“Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.”-Paulo Coelho
There are some of us who spend our whole life, seeking love, chasing it, often waiting for it. For some of us this lifelong quest to find that perfect love story is exhausting, and more often it is more tragic, but at other times gratifying. For months on end, I surrendered my heart to a potent type of love, the type of love that leaves you anxious, powerless, defenseless. Somewhat like an addict, addicted to what hurt me. If only I recognized the situation for what it was, or if only I was stronger at the time, I would have left with my dignity. But I was in love with him or maybe the idea of him as the man I wanted him to be, which kept me prisoner. I held on to his promises, I justified his excuses. It was like waiting for Godot, holding on to the hope. I tortured myself and he tormented me. In retrospect I always wondered why I held for so long, maybe it’s because I had faith in him. I gave him the benefit of the doubt ‘till his true colors came out. For so long I waited for his apology, for a sorry, for a thank you. I finally made peace with the fact that I may never get an apology and even if he did, his words are worthless now.
Looking back, I mistakenly thought that this vulnerable feeling meant that I was madly in love, but in fact, love isn’t meant to make you feel weak, it isn’t meant to cripple you, or make you feel helpless. It should make you feel stronger! It should make you feel secure! It should empower you! If you ever feel this constant unsettling feeling, don’t ignore it or mistake it for love. I know this might sound cliché but from my heartbreak experience, and I have learned the best lessons in the best and hardest way possible. I learned the hard way, after having my heart torched like a flame by a so-called ‘love’. What hurt me the most was that I thought I was losing a friend. I was disillusioned into thinking if ever I needed someone he would be there for me. But when you love someone, you just don’t treat them badly or hurt them. It pains me to say this, but the harsh reality and truth is he never loved me!
So, I pressed the restart button, and now I see myself through different eyes, I am in love again and now, more than ever, I know its different type of love.
It’s the type of love that makes me dance in my underwear, start a bonfire, take adventurous trips, and laugh about life. It’s the type of love that makes me feel like I am untouchable. See, this love, that I am feeling, no type of man is capable of providing it.
My heart is free of him at last! My heart is at peace, at ease knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me. I don’t regret meeting him, my only regret was caring for someone who didn’t care about me.
For so long I was scared of accepting the emotions that I ever so often feared. The pain! I feared actually feeling the pain. Most human beings by nature are very afraid to feel pain. But often the thought of pain is actually worse than the pain itself.
I went through fire, agony, disappointment, to learn this: that your salvation will not come from the outside it will come from within.
Say this out loud with me: I AM ENOUGH, I AM WORTHY!!
You are enough! You are worthy! You don’t need another human being to validate your existence.
Let go of all the things that are holding you back in life! Let go of the self-judgment, the criticism, the control. Stop beating yourself up, pleasing others, comparing yourself to others. Be kind to yourself! Once you have forgiven yourself, you can forgive others. Peel off your layers and let go of the toxicity. Take time to heal from the past. Accept it, grieve it, and forgive. You can’t get over the heartbreak until you let yourself feel it. If you don’t go through the grieving process, and you bury the pain, you will eventually encounter the same people with different faces, the same exact situations reoccurring. The pain will keep on resurfacing.
“If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello”.
A lot of people are scared of spending quality time with themselves, they are scared of being alone. How do you build a friendship or a relationship? It’s by spending quality time with that person. How do you expect another human being to enjoy your company when you can’t enjoy your own company? Know who you really are. Love yourself fully. Allow yourself to meditate, be in nature, write, relax, listen to music. Being alone will make you realize that you don’t need other human beings to validate your existence and when you are surrounded by the others you won’t seek their approval, you will find them gravitating towards you, you will become much more enjoyable, lovable. You will become the best you, that you can be! You will become powerful beyond measures! You will find people flocking towards you, wanting to know your secret.
I will leave you with this: The most generous and greatest of lovers is one who feels fulfilled.